JOKES

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Some Offensive Material

Last Update- 10-30-2004 A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!” The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and returns with his suitcase packed, as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife exclaims. "I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!” ________________________________________________________________ A masked man walks into a bank with a gun, and says, “ Put your hands up!” The girl replies “This is not a real bank. this is a sperm bank.” He says “I know. Open that door up and take out one of those bottles and drink one.” She does and the man takes off his mask, and the girl realizes it’s her husband. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”he says. ________________________________________________________________ Q: How do you define “making love”? A: It’s what a woman does while a guy is screwing her. ________________________________________________________________ David Copperfield is doing his Vegas show and asks if anyone in the audience would like to show him a trick. “I will,” yells a guy, “but I need your gorgeous assistant and a table.” David agrees, and the guy walks up onstage, bends the hottie over the table, pulls her pants down, and starts humping her from behind. Copperfield screams, “Hey, that isn’t a trick!” The guys says, “I know. It’s fucking magic!” ________________________________________________________________ Three black women were about to go on vacation. As they were getting ready to drive to the airport, one of them says, “I’m gonna wear red pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The second one says, “That’s a good idea. I’m gonna wear yellow pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The third one says, “I’m not going to wear any pants at all.” To which the other two respond, “Why would you not wear any pants at all?” “Don’t you know the first thing they look for in a plane crash?” the third one replies. “The black box!” ________________________________________________________________ Chris goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and his friend’s wife answers. “Hi, is Tony home?” “No, he went to the store.” “Well, do you mind if I wait?” “Not at all, come on in.” They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I can just see one.” Nora thinks about this for a second and figures ‘what the hell—a hundred bucks.’ She opens her robe and displays her left breast. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful, I’ve just got to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I can just see both of them together.” Nora thinks about this and thinks, ‘What the hell,’ opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?” ________________________________________________________________ Unnatural Gas A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice." "I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week." The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek." The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing." ________________________________________________________________ A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.” “In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor. “OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.” ________________________________________________________________ Attitudes- A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude." ________________________________________________________________ Funeral Plans- Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time." ________________________________________________________________ Accident- A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection? “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours. ________________________________________________________________ A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn’t hear her correctly and says, “Come again?” The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, “Oh, no it’s just mustard this time. ________________________________________________________________ Hee Haw- Q: How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? A: Pretty hot ________________________________________________________________ Wifes Birthday- “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday,” Adam complained to his friend one day at the bar. “She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.” “I have an idea!” said his friend Joe. “Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it? She’ll probably be thrilled.” “Great idea,” Adam replied excitedly. The next day at the bar Joe asked Adam if his wife liked the idea. “Yep,” Adam said somberly. “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!’” ________________________________________________________________

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